Sometimes I lock myself in my bathroom and cry.
I do. I sob in my bathroom. Not often but once in awhile in those moments of sheer desperation, I go into our bathroom, I lock the door knowing that I have to in order to get any kind of privacy and I let loose. The hot tears spilling down my face. Pent up emotion from what feels like continual failure, disappointment and hurt.
In those moments I pray. Prayers of gasping. "God, please help me, give me patience, let me feel your presence. Help me enjoy these days that I know are going to be gone too soon. Help me, Help me!" Even while I pray I can hear the chaos ensuing outside my sanctuary and must "soldier up" and keep going.
It is usually on these days that my husband I have one of those talks. He is beginning to see the signs: I'm easily irritated, teary over little things or just quiet. These are conversations where I melt in his arms and try to tell him why I am feeling so alone, desperate and at the end of my rope. There are usually so many factors that cause one of these cry fests. Usually it is just because I am tired but add a rough day of only communicating (usually badly) with children, not feeling like I have the training to discipline them properly and the feeling like I am accomplishing nothing from all the hard work I do, and he has a mess on his hands.
The other night we were having one of these talks. I tried to verbalize to him how I was feeling without coming right out with the full truth. But something in my heart whispered, " The truth will set you free" and I finally admitted my shame to him. I told him "I don't think I have what it takes to be a mother. I am scared to even say this out loud because it sounds so terrible, but it is so hard to see more joy in the day then hard stuff. There are mornings when I dread having to stay at home all day. I get bored playing with them, I feel like I am getting nothing done and I see the way they act and think that I am doing it all wrong. "
My husband is wonderful. He always knows exactly what to say. He thanked me for being real with him. He told me to give myself some grace because I was still learning and just held me. Then he prayed for me. Prayed that God would help me to be the mom He wanted me to be, prayed for strength and patience for me and for other moms to come alongside me and help me. I fell asleep feeling better but not really thinking anything had changed other than my attitude.
The next day I opened my email and read this blog entry from Sarah Mae's blog. Which led me to this one. I sat staring at the computer marvelling at the coincidence. Sarah's story was so like mine that I all you would have to do is change the names and it would be me. Everything I had been feeling, struggling with and longing for right there on the screen written by some one else.
At last, there was hope. The way I have been feeling is a natural process of getting rid of the bad and ugly inside of me and transforming me into God's image. God was saying to me, "see I have created you like this, and there are others out there like you."
I have had Sarah's book Desperate: Hope for Moms Who Need to Breathe sitting on my shelf for months. I just haven't thought I had the time to read it. I picked it up and realized I didn't have the time to not read it. I needed to read it. I needed to hear Sarah's experience. I needed to know that I was not alone.
If any of what I have written resonates with you, you need to go buy this book. For more information about this go to my GMG Blog.
Or you can visit Sarah Mae's blog here.